


Prank Calls

by BRR77872



Series: Space Memes [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Shitpost tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 17:32:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14337540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BRR77872/pseuds/BRR77872
Summary: You’re never too old for Prank Calls.





	Prank Calls

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Jenna Marbles for inspiring this madness.

The third time they meet is completely unintentional.

Lance, Keith and Pidge are all in the library studying for the hell that is midterms and Keith is a little concerned for Pidge’s wellbeing because she’s managed to down three cups of coffee, four shots of espresso and a Monster energy drink. It kinda shows, too, because she’s bouncing her leg even as her pale fingers fly across the keyboard of her computer like she can’t keep still. Her glasses reflect the screen, her light brown hair is sticking up in every which direction and she’s hunched over the device in a way that reminds Keith of _The Hunchback of Notre Dame.  
_

“Are any of you certified in CPR?” Pidge asks casually, breaking the tense silence that had settled over them. Lance looks up from over his Aerospace Engineering textbook, brown hair slightly tousled like he had been running his fingers through it. He lifts a thin eyebrow and Keith sighs, flipping the page of his reading.

“Nope.” Keith answers simply, highlighting a particular passage in the reading that seems important. “Why the hell is that important right now?” He asks, genuinely curious.

Pidge shrugs her shoulders. “It just is.” She says, “Humor me.” 

Lance closes his book and sets it on the table. He leans back and stretches his arms over his head. 

“I am.” He says, sure of himself but also a little confused by Pidge’s sudden question. “Had to take the course when I was a lifeguard back in high school.” 

And that makes Keith look up from his textbook to gaze at Lance. He hadn’t known that. Huh. Generally he thought that he knew Lance pretty well, but there are always these little easter eggs that Lance will mention in passing that Keith didn’t know. It’s a nice little surprise. Keith stores that piece of information away for later.

Pidge nods her head, not looking up from her computer, thin fingers still typing away. It’s silent again. Lance is shuffling slightly in his seat and Keith knows his boyfriend is getting restless. After another bought of silence Pidge finally looks up, pushing her glasses up on her freckled nose, brown eyes calculating. 

“Good because I’m pretty sure I’m having a heart attack.” She says it so casually that Keith has to do a double take to make sure he heard her correctly.

“What?!” He panics, book long forgotten as he stares at Pidge with wide eyes. Her face is unchanging. Lance is frozen besides him, staring at Pidge like she suddenly grew three heads. 

Keith’s mind is racing. In the milliseconds it takes Pidge to answer him he’s already ran through four different routes you can take to the hospital, thought about everything Pidge has consumed during their study session and remembered everything he’s ever learned about heart attacks. Was her coronary artery completely blocked or just severely restricted? Would they need a defibrillator? How the fuck do you use a defibrillator?! 

“My body feels super wired but I’m brain dead.” Pidge complains, closing her computer screen. 

“My eyes burn from being open so long and I couldn’t sleep even if I tried. I feel like a fucking zombie; all motor functions but no brain activity.”

And then Keith relaxes in his chair because she’s joking. Of course she’s joking. Fuck, these test must have him more wound up than he originally thought.

Lance drops his head face first into his textbooks, groaning loudly, absentmindedly clicking his pen. 

“I’ve been running on nothing but ramen noodles, caffeine and sugar for three days.” Lance complains. Keith sighs and comes to the conclusion that he’s not going to get anything done when he reads the same paragraph three times over and still doesn’t get it; so he closes his book. 

“We need to do something.” Lance says, sitting up, “Something that doesn’t involve reading a textbook.” He clarifies. Pidge perks up. Well, perks up as much as she can when her eyes are bloodshot.

“We could watch that mermaid documentary on Netflix.” She suggests. Keith likes that idea. Urban legends and crypts are always a good time.

“And then we could binge the one about Bigfoot.” He suggest.

Lance shakes his head, crossing his arms over his chest.

“As much as I love going full on emo nerd with you guys I feel like we need something a little more hands on. Something like... I don’t know...” And then a mischievous look passes over his face and Keith knows that fucking look. It means he’s up to no good.

“Prank calls.” Lance says proudly, crossing his arms over his chest. Pidge actually looks interested and Keith can’t lie, it does sound like fun...

He doesn’t get to voice his thoughts.

“I’m getting the feeling that this isn’t an actual study session.” The voice comes from behind Keith and he doesn’t even have to turn around to see who it is, but he does anyway. Shiro stands behind Keith’s chair, dark eyes twinkling with amusement. He’s got textbooks clutched in his hands and his reading glasses perched on his nose. He looks like he was actually planning on joining them on their study session and Keith feels a little bad, but not bad enough to suggest that they start studying again.

“It was an actual study session at first,” He says without missing a beat as Shiro takes the seat in between Pidge and Lance. 

“But you can only read a textbook for so long before the increasing need to walk in front of a bus becomes too extreme to continue.” Keith says, completely deadpan. Lance snorts.

“Yeah, well, now we’re doing prank calls. Shiro, you in?” The blue eyed boy asks, basically bouncing in his seat as he pulls his phone from his pocket. And this is such a middle-school-sleepover thing to do but Keith’s body is still thrumming with excitement.   

Shiro grins because he not-so-secretly lives for shit like this.

“You bet your ass I’m in.” He says. Lance lets out a whoop. Pidge grins and leans forward into the table, eyes twinkling with mischief.

“Okay, Prank Calls are great and all but I say we add a twist to make it a little more interesting.” She says, sitting up a little straighter and folding her hands together in front of her. Keith can’t help but think she looks like a Mafia boss.

Lance copies her stance, tilting his head a little. “I’m listening.” He says, voice clipped and professional. Keith can’t help the small snort that escapes. These guys are fucking idiots. 

Pidge side eyes them before turning to look at Lance again, and in a clearly fake Italian accent she says, 

“We call in sick from jobs we don’t have.” 

Lance blinks. Shiro blinks. Keith blinks. Pidge looks at them expectantly.

“Pidge, you’re a genius.” Shiro says at last, breaking the silence and the whole fake mafia thing Lance and Pidge were doing, his face completely awed. 

“Oh my god that’s fucking gold!” Lance snorts, his fingers moving rapid fire against his phone screen. “I’ll go first.” He says with a grin. Keith isn’t even sure how this whole thing works but he scoots closer to Lance’s side to see what he’s doing anyways because this has got to be entertaining. Pidge and Shiro come to crowd around Lance as well, trying to stifle small snickers behind their hands like children. 

Lance takes a deep breath and then dials the number to Subway.

Keith bites his lip. The phone is only ringing but the anticipation leading up to the inevitable answer is killing him. Shiro and Pidge aren’t doing much better.

The ringing stops.

“Hello, thank you for choosing Subway, how may I help you?” A woman’s voice answers. Lance clears his throat.

“Hi, yes, this is Robert. I was just recently hired and I’m just calling to let you guys know that I can’t come in tomorrow.”  Lance says, voice sounding like a white soccer dad.

The woman on the other end pauses, there’s silence for a moment, and then she speaks.

“Robert?” She says, sounding confused, “I’m sorry I think you have the wrong number.“

Lance chuckles. “What? No silly, I’ve got the right number. You know David? He hired me last week! But anyways, yeah, I can’t come in tomorrow because I... uh... I just bought a cow! Yeah, I just bought a cow. Her names Kaltenecker.” 

The woman on the phone sounds completely confused and baffled. Shiro snorts our a quick laugh and then covers his mouth with his hand and Pidge looks like she’s going to spontaneously combust at any given moment.

“Umm... I’m sorry, Robert, but I think you have the wrong location.” She says. Lance bites his lip to stop himself from laughing.

“No I just got hired at the location you’re at right now! Ask David, he’s the one who hired me, I swear.” He says, choking back a laugh at the end of the sentence.

There’s a long pause. She sounds frustrated when she answers.

“I’m sorry but there’s no Dave-“

“Well, yeah, just take me off the schedule,” and Lance is finally breaking down, gasping in between his sentence, pressing his quivering lips together in a last ditch attempt not to laugh, 

“Tell David I said hi and I’m just super excited to meet my new cow, she was super expensive but it was so worth it. Bye!!” And they’re all cracking up even before Lance hits the end call button. Pidge is still wheezing when she holds out her hand for Lance’s phone. He hands it to her and shushes everyone. Pidge takes a deep breath and then dials the number to Pizza Hut.

“Hi thank you for choosing Pizza Hut, will this be for pick up or delivery?” A man answers.

Pidge answers in her best impression of a valley girl.

“Hi this is Amanda and actually I’m calling to let you guys know that I can’t come in to work tomorrow.” The guy on the phone doesn’t miss a beat.

“Amanda? Oh, okay, what time are you scheduled for?” He asks, and there’s shuffling like he’s writing this down or something.

“Five to seven thirty.” Pidge says, “Yeah, I spilled, like, an entire bottle of Nair on me so I’m completely hairless from head to toe now.” Pidge says, face completely composed even though everyone else is losing their shit. 

“Oh...” the guy on the phone says, sounding uncomfortable. “That sounds... bad. But um, you aren’t even on the schedule so...”

Pidge is such a good actor that she even _looks_ confused as she says,

“What? No no, I’m scheduled, I know it. And yeah, man, like a clump of my hair is gone and so are my eyebrows. I look like Britney Spears’ 2007 meltdown.”

Lance _loses_ it at that. He’s laughing so hard that his entire body shakes with the movement and it’s so intense that he can’t even make a sound, just suck in the occasional lungful of air and wipe the tears falling from his eyes. Keith doesn’t even think Shiro is _breathing_ , his shoulders are shaking and he’s got his fist pressed to his mouth and his eyes are wet but he doesn’t make a sound. And Keith? He isn’t much better. He’s got his hand pressed to his mouth and he’s shaking because this is just so goddamn _stupid_ , and this guy is so stupid for actually _believing_ Pidge.

There’s a pause on the other end of the phone before the Pizza Hut employee says, 

“Umm.. okay, I’ll leave a note. Feel better.” And then before Pidge can even wish him farewell he hangs up. Her little façade breaks and soon they’re all laughing so hard that they can’t breathe and Keith is a little scared that he might actually suffocate. Before he even knows what he’s doing Keith is reaching for the phone next. Pidge hands it to him and the next thing he knows it’s quiet again and he’s dialing the number for McDonald’s. 

“Thank you for choosing McDonalds, Sendak speaking.” A man answers. Keith composes himself and clears his throat.

“Hi this is Jason calling and I wanted to tell you that I’m not going to be able to make it into work tomorrow because I just got concert tickets and I can’t miss it.” Keith says, and he can feel Lance, Shiro and Pidge’s eyes on him.

“Ummm.. are you a new employee, Jason?” The man asks.

Keith sucks in a shaky breath, then says steadily, “Nope I’ve been working there for some time now.” He lies.

Sendak pauses over the phone. “What department do you work in?” He asks. And Keith blanks because McDonalds is a fucking fast food restaurant, what do they need departments for?! 

“Umm.... I work in the... the bathroom department.” Keith says. He’s trying to tune out the sound of everyone losing their shit but before he can a small snort leaves him.

Sendak is definitely onto him now.

“What department?” Sendak asks again suspiciously. Keith sighs, because he said it and it’s not like he can unsay it.

“The bathroom department.”

Sendak hangs up. 

They’re all laughing again and Pidge gasp out, “The fucking _bathroom_ department, Keith?!”

Keith shrugs his shoulders. “Hey, if he played his cards right he could’ve been going to the concert with Jason from the bathroom department.”

And everyone loses their shit all over again.

Once they compose themselves Shiro looks very seriously at Keith and holds out his hand.

“My turn.” He says. Keith hands him the phone and he’s dialing a number so fast that Keith doesn’t even know what place he’s calling. It rings and rings and everyone watches Shiro expectantly. Then the connection goes through.

“Thank you for calling Staples, how may I help you?” The person on the other end ask. Shiro clears his throat and in a very professional voice he goes,

“Hi, this is Carl, I’m calling into work for tomorrow because I can’t find my kid.” Shiro says easily. The other end is silent for a long minute.

“I think you might have the wrong number. I’m the manager and I don’t recall hiring any Carl.” He says. Shiro doesn’t even hesitate, simply saying,

“Oh, sorry, that was my middle name. My actual name is John.” 

The person on the other line is _not_ having it. “So what’s your last name then?” He asks suspiciously. Shiro bites his lip to stop from laughing.

“Johnson. So my full name is John Carl Johnson. J.C.J. Well anyways I was just calling in because I left my kid at a daycare and I don’t remember which one so I have to go find him.”

“I hope you find your kid, man.” The Staples manager says.

“Yeah, me too.” Shiro says. “His mom is going to be _pissed_ if she finds out I lost him _again_. I keep telling myself to write down the daycare I leave him at but it keep slipping my mind.”

And with that the Staples employee hangs up.

“ _John Carl Johnson_!” Lance gasp out in-between laughs, tears staining his cheeks. Pidge is laughing so hard that she can’t even talk and Keith’s stomach is starting to cramp up from all the work he’s making it do. Once they all calm down enough to form coherent sentences again Lance says,

“That’s it, you’re not Shiro anymore, you’re John Carl fucking Johnson aka J.C.J.” He says with a grin, and the Lance turns to Pidge, “And you’re 2007 Britney.” He says.

Shiro shrugs. “I’m down with that.” He says. Pidge cackles and nods her head in agreement. They all first bump.

Then it hits Keith that he’s going to have to deal with all _three_ of these dorks now.

Oh god, he’s in _way_ over his head 


End file.
